Confused about the difference between
socialism, Communism, and the politics of huge corporations? This basic
“dictionary” may help.
Feudalism: You have two cows. The
lord of the manor takes some of the milk. And all the cream.
Pure Socialism: You have two cows.
The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows.
You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as
you need.
Socialism: You have two cows. The
government takes one of your cows and gives it to your neighbor. You're both
forced to join a cooperative where you have to teach your neighbor how to take
care of his cow.
Bureaucratic Socialism: You have
two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone
else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of
the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives
you as much milk and as many eggs as its regulations say you should need.
Fascism: You have two cows. The government
takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
Pure Communism: You have two cows.
Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
Russian Communism: You have two
cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
Communism: You have two cows. The
government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for you
share of the milk, but it's so long that the milk is sour by the time you get
it.
Dictatorship: You have two cows.
The government takes both and shoots you.
Militarism: You have two cows. The
government takes both and drafts you.
Pure Democracy: You have two cows.
Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
Representative Democracy: You have
two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets
the milk.
American Democracy: The government
promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the
president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the
affair "Cowgate." The cows are set free.
Democracy, Democrat-style: You
have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being so successful.
You vote politicians into office who tax your cows, which forces you to sell
one to pay the tax. The politicians use the tax money to buy a cow for your
neighbor. You feel good. Barbra Streisand sings for you.
Democracy, Republican-style: You
have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You move to a better neighborhood.
Indian Democracy: You have two
cows. You worship them.
British Democracy: You have two
cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government gives you
compensation for your diseased cows, compensation for your lost income, and a
grant not to use your fields for anything else. And tells the
public not to worry.
Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At
first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk
them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one,
milks the other, and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to
fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Anarchy: You have two cows. Either
you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take
the cows.
Capitalism: You have two cows. You
lay one off, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when she drops dead.
Singaporean Democracy: You have
two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in
an apartment.
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company,
using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute
an debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows
back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows.
The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a
Panamanian intermediary to a
The annual report says that the company owns eight cows,
with an option on one more.
Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad.
Environmentalism: You have two
cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
Totalitarianism: You have two
cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Foreign Policy, American-Style:
You have two cows. The government taxes them and uses the money to buy a cow
for a poor farmer a country ruled by a dictator. The farmer has no hay to feed
the cow and his religion forbids him from eating it. The cow dies. The man
dies. The dictator confiscates the dead man's farm and sells it, using the
money to purchase
Bureaucracy, American-Style: You
have two cows but you have to kill one of them because the government will only
give you a license for one of them. The license requires you to sell all your
milk to the government, which uses it to make cheese. The government pays lots
of money to store the cheese in refrigerated warehouses. When the cheese
spoils, the government distributes it to the poor. The poor get sick from the
cheese, go to the emergency room, and are turned away because they have no
health insurance. The President declares the program a success and reminds us
that we have the finest health care system in the world.
American Corporation: You have two
cows. You sell one to a subsidiary company and lease it back to yourself so you
can declare it as a tax loss. Your bosses give you a huge bonus. You inject the
cows with drugs and they produce four times the normal amount of milk. Your
bosses give you a huge bonus. When the drugs cause one of the cows to drop dead
you announce to the press that you have down-sized, reducing expenses by 50
percent. The company stock goes up and your bosses give you a huge bonus. You
lay off all your workers and move your production facilities to
Japanese Corporation: You have two
cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk. You teach the cows to travel on unbelievably
crowded trains. Your cows always get higher test scores than cows in the
German Corporation: You have two
cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand
13 weeks of vacation per year and are very expensive to repair.
Russian Corporation: You have two
cows. You have some vodka. You count your cows and discover you really have
five cows! You have more vodka. You count them again and discover you have 42
cows! You stop counting cows and have some more vodka. The Russian Mafia
arrives and takes over all your cows. You have more vodka.
Italian Corporation: You have two
cows but you can't find them. While searching for them you meet a beautiful
woman, take her out to lunch and then make love to her. Life is good.
French Corporation: You have two
cows. You go on strike because you want another cow, more vacation and shorter
work weeks. The French government announces that it will never agree to your
demands. You go to lunch and eat fabulous food and drink wonderful wine. While
you are at lunch, the airline pilots and flight controllers join your strike,
shutting down all air traffic. The truckers block all the roads and the dock
workers block all the ports. By dinner time the French government announces it
agrees with all your demands. Life is good.
Political Correctness: You are
associated with (the concept of "ownership" is an outdated symbol of
your decadent, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less
valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender. They get married and
adopt a calf.
Counterculturalism:
Wow, dude, there's like . . . these two
cows, man. You have got to have some of this milk.
Surrealism: You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.